Adjusting Our Expectations

Social worker and internationally recognized expert Diane Malbin, above, offers this very helpful developmental chart applicable to many children affected by FASD.

Sibling Support

Sandy could be an imaginative, creative playmate, and our children spent many happy hours playing blocks, dress-ups, and make believe when they were young. She could also be unpredictable, short tempered, and wildly out of control. Siblings of children affected by FASD put up with a lot, and their experience can help them become strong, wise adults.

Though Sam and Molly developed maturity and understanding at a young age, growing up with Sandy left its scars. Molly witnessed terrifying violence when Sandy lost control. Sam, away at college during Sandy's most difficult times, suffered the stress of listening to disastrous news flashes he could do nothing about. Both worried about all of our safety. I wish we had been better able to relieve them of these burdens.

Fortunately, support for sibling is now much more widely available. Some of the many sources for information include Socal FASD Network Overview;  Substance and Mental Health Services Administration booklet ;  sibling support network.

Sam and Molly accepted Sandy with innocent grace. They taught her how to play. They always encouraged her. They shared their parents. We couldn't have survived without them.

FASD Service Dogs

In the past few years some young people with FASD have begun using psychiatric service dogs with good results. The dogs both protect children and calm them. They can be trained to meet a specific child’s individual needs. For example, a service dog can deter a teenager from self-harming and running away. They can keep an overly trusting FASD-affected child safe from traffic and from stranger danger. The dog basically serves as a kind of "external brain."

Besides guarding a child’s physical safety, the dog’s natural affection can help improve a child's self-awareness, personal identity, and emotional health. The service dog’s attentive presence and cuddly weight can help calm a distraught child. Their unconditional love has improved general emotional well-being and empathy for others. Language usage, focus, and attention span have all been reported to have improved in individual children thanks to the bond with their service dog. 

More about FASD service dogs:

4pawsforability  

Connor and Lexi's Story

Service dog story for children

Above Heart Lake

Today Ron and I hiked to Heart Lake and Rogers Pass. That's me in the photo, a speck in the panoramic view at 12,000 feet. While walking, I found myself thinking about the heart of my memoir about our experience with Sandy.

When Sandy was in middle school and we were in the depths of despair over the increasingly horrifying events in her life, a voice came to me as I was walking and pondering. "Just stick with her," it said as clearly and kindly as if a wise counselor were walking next to me.

The words of the voice sustained me. The fact of the voice astounded me. I clung to the belief that we were not alone. Maybe there was meaning to this overwhelming mess.

It was not until the end of Sandy's life that I truly understood the significance of what I heard. By sticking with her--however imperfectly--we were able to show her that we loved her.

Despite all her attempts to push us away, Sandy saw that we wouldn't give up. Limping, stumbling, even crawling, we forged a bond of love, as important for us as it was to her.

All I can say is thank you.